Anger - easy to feel but not always easy to Express.
As a therapist in Ogden Utah working with anger does not scare me. I find anger to be a great emotion! It can give us so much information and for many of us, we can easily feel anger in our bodies. Some people call it rage or state they are mad or angry, and some people in my office will politely say frustrated but, at the core, it is mad, angry.
The Truth Behind Anger In Our Society -
The sad and maddening part about this emotion is that if you are a cis-gendered female in our society you were told from a very young age not to express anger or vocalize that you are mad. That to be angry is to be ugly. That to be angry you are a bitch. That to be angry you are aggressive. These messages could have come from your family, but they certainly come from and are reinforced by society and do not serve cis-gendered females. I still even find myself tensing up when I hear a woman get angry and think, “Just calm down everything will be okay.” Social conditioning at its finest.
For cis-gendered males, anger is one of the emotions that are socially acceptable. Men feel all the same emotions that females do but the other primary emotions are less socially acceptable. Cis-gendered men tend to get the message that to be angry is to be strong. That to be angry is to be credible. That to be angry is to be powerful and that you must have something to say. However, this doesn’t always serve them either because sometimes the anger expressed is not a source of healing.
Interesting side note, even when trying to find a picture to represent anger this was the only female photo. The rest were male.
How does anger show up?
When we feel angry our bodies respond. It might show up in these ways:
- Wanting to stomp your feet
- Scream and yell
- Everything tightening with a feeling like you are going to explode
- Clenching your fist
- Blood rushing to your head
- Pacing
- Short quick breaths
Everyone gets angry at different things.
Being curious about the things that set you off can be helpful and give you valuable information. There are certain things that just make us feel angry. Anger informs us that we might not feel safe, that we are not safe, that was is happening is not providing security or maybe even stability. Here are some examples:
- Being blamed for something you didn’t do
- Someone ruining or taking something of yours without asking
- A car cutting you off while driving
- Someone canceling on you last minute
- Tax season and not understanding all the rules and lingo
- Someone making fun of you
I remember so vividly a time someone made fun of me. It definitely stayed in my body with the emotion and impact it had on me. It was a small relational trauma. I was 12 years old and my family just moved from one area of town to a different area of town. The area I was used to growing up in was definitely more adventurous with the outdoors, kids wore hand-me-down clothes because no one cared and everyone was focused on playing outside. On the first day of school, people made fun of me for what I wore and how I looked because I did not wear make-up. I remember feeling angry, my face rushing with blood, and my body becoming tight and tense. I remember not knowing what to say and underneath it all, I was angry, hurt, and sad. This latter turned into a wound of shame. The rejection was so sad and hurtful but also so angering to me because at 12 years old I just didn’t get it. I could not understand why clothes and make-up mattered so much.
To sum it up –
Everyone gets angry, feeling angry isn’t wrong, and learning how your anger shows up can be a powerful tool to begin to learn how to express it instead of bottling it up. Anger only becomes a problem when it harms you (which bottling up does harm you) or people around you.
If you’d like to work on the emotion of anger feel free to connect with me here. Many of my clients are given permission in my office to express anger, hit the office pillows, yell, stomp about and also do activities at home that release anger. These sessions are always so much fun for me and my clients who are up for the release. Being attuned and aware can make all the difference on your emotional path to healing.
Looking for a therapist in Ogden Utah -
If you want help on your journey and to work with one of the counselors in Ogden Utah please reach out and connect with me here. I specialize in trauma therapy and PTSD Treatment, high-functioning depression, anxiety therapy and stress relief, and body-brain-based therapies such as Brainspotting therapy and EMDR. I look forward to hearing from you!
